SUCKS

I'm sorry to say it, but there is SO MUCH UNREQUITED LOVE OUT THERE.

Where does all this emotion go?!

................................................

It's like flowing out into the world, into no container, no conclusion, no END.

...:( Sad.

Like yo - to all you lovers out there, GO GO GO.

I am rooting for all of y'all.

And hey - for all you who don't feel the same way...don't sweat it. You can't make yourself like someone...it doesn't work that way.

I just feel...twisted when it comes to that subject. Half of me wants to side with the one with feelings because 1) that's me haha and 2) IT SUCKS AND ITS HARD TO CONFESS. But the other half of me knows that it is so hard to turn someone down, and it's just so awkward and icky and impossible, because you have to hurt someone. And this is where I cannot make up my mind. I always tell people to fight for what they want, go for who they like, take a CHANCE. But when I see people I love tormented with the thought of turning someone down, it just...ugh, it's hard. I mean, yah they are fighting for who they want, but they are so aggressive that it's taking the other person down with them.

...Confused.

I also don't like this whole "playing hard to get" business and all this "calculated neglect". God, it works so WELL, but it's so...manipulative. Why can't we just be honest with each other? If you want to talk to someone, why can't you just talk to them? If you want to be friends, why can't you just be friends? Why do we have to run in circles chasing each other while pretending to run the other way?

...Man.

1) Fight for who you love.
2) Don't fight so hard that you only get hate in return.
3) Be straight with each other.
4) Even unrequited love can be fruitful.

LOL I got 4 from a manga I just finished.

Kay I'm done with this. (Y)

(I got new PJs. They are cute. Haha.)

You know...

...I kind of understand where he was coming from. LOL, shouldn't sympathize with the enemy, but I can't help it, because I understand now.

Hearing him say those things to me just made me want to cry, because I didn't understand why he couldn't just accept the way things were and just leave them. I was happy, and he wasn't, but I could just ignore it. I didn't feel a thing.

I don't owe you any apologies, but I am still sorry. Hurts a lot, I know.

Listen: when you get what you want, it's great. But when you see what you want and get to hold in in your hands and marvel at it, and then it gets taken away, it sucks. A hell of a lot. It's worse than I thought. LOL.

:) Hey, I'm still living. I'll figure this out.

DELICATE BALANCING ACT.

...we'll see.

Chester Stupid

Yo. I just realized that I never put up my Chester Stupid dream. WHY DIDN'T I?! IT WAS CLEARLY VERY EPIC.

Okay, let's just GO FOR IT.

So I was in my American History class, and it was a normal day. Well, normal, other than the fact that we had a substitute teacher, which NEVER happens. (It's true, Brown is always there!!). Anyways, the substitute's name was "Chester Stupid". He was really creepy looking...his eyes were always open really, really wide, and he had like a comb-over and red hair. Yah, so he was creepy.

So, Grace and I were just chilling in class, sort of a free period. But Chester kept talking to me, and like coming on to me. He kept saying stuff like, "Hey, would you like to eat lunch with me sometime? I would love to eat lunch with you. I would love to get to know you better. Let's have lunch sometime." I WAS SO CREEPED OUT. In the end, I left Am Hist, and I thought, "W/e, he's a substitute, I won't see him again." I never told anyone and just...left!

Haha, but then I kept seeing him around the school! He would say hi to me in the halls and always, always ask me to lunch. Eventually, I got so creeped out that I went to Mr. Brown for help. I told him about the harassment, but he just looked at me and said, "Sorry Jennifer, I can't help you. Without a complaint from your parents, I don't have a right to help you." or something like that. LOL, it was a crushing moment in the dream!

So I just...tried to stay away from him, I guess. Every time I went anywhere, I would always go with someone else. Strength in numbers, I guess? So anyways, then one time, I was walking past the caf, and I saw James sitting at a table. I thought to myself, "Great, I can sit with him and then Stupid couldn't do anything." But as I went to the caf, Chester came and was like "Hey, do you want to have lunch with me? I would love to have lunch with you."

At that point, I was just pissed. Like, WTF is this guy trying to do?! He was ruining my life! So I just yelled at him and said, "NO I DON'T WANT TO HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU. STOP BOTHERING ME!" He just kept smiling and smiling and then he pushed me down and I was so, so heavy. I couldn't get up, and he was standing with his foot on my chest. Even when he stopped standing on me, I still couldn't get up. I just kept struggling like a turtle that had been flipped on my back. God, it sucked. And people just kept walking by, students, but no one would help me...

THEN FINALLY, this performer at our school came and helped me. She was a big woman, with pink streaks in her hair and a big pink boa. She was really nice, and pulled me to my feet. Haha, yup so then I got up.

Days passed, and there was an awards show at the school. I was sitting at the back with Kuni and Ivan in the aud. It was a pretty fancy awards show, like the oscars or something. Haha anyways, I was chilling in the back, and then Kuni and Ivan went to get their awards. Just at that time, Chester Stupid came and sat a few seats down from me. It was kind of scary, but then Kuni and Ivan came back right away. When Stupid went to get his award, Kuni and Ivan and I made a plan for me to leave, because we somehow knew that the next time me and him were alone, it wouldn't end nicely. I ran off down the tech hall, and turned at the auto room?

In that room, Billy was working as a secretary or something at a table shop. His hair was dyed (WOW, BLAST FROM THE PAST). Anyways, I asked him if I could hide out in his shop, and he said sure. He even pointed me to a place in the corner where I could hide. Cassie and Carren were already there, and it was beside this aquarium. I played with them for a bit, but then they left and I got bored. I went into this room with this awesome table. It was like a xylophone, made up of these wooden rods/planks all held together with strings. Well, I touched it, and the whole thing fell apart. The boss of the store came in and told Billy to fix it. She was pretty angry with me, and said to Billy, "And please, tell your FRIEND, not to touch anything."

...Yup.

So then a few more days passed, and in the end, I was in the tech hall alone. He got me. Bah. He was strong, and pulled me into the boys' changeroom. In the room, there was this trapdoor. We went down into this tunnel, and we ended up in this dark dungeon place. Haha, don't worry kids, nothing bad really happened. I was scared but...turned out okay?

Anyways, he led me to this cave place. There were three blue shiny pillars of light. In one of them was Boccia. In the other was Meera. Haha Meera had blue eyes...they were so pretty. Chester Stupid told me that they were collecting human specimens, really smart people (OKAY WHATEVER, MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS COCKY!). So I lived in that cave place for like 2 months. The cave eventually turned into this really weird store, with mirrors and funky mannequins and stuff. Turns out, it was a store on FV. Haha, but I knew in my heart that my mommy would never find me, because she would never go to a store like that.

I asked them if I could call my mom. They said sure, but I would have to read off a script. I said, "Forget it. Hell no." Haha, but I still had a cell phone! For some reason, I saw this cute guy, and I took a picture of him with the phone. Then Chester came to me later and deleted it. He explained that everything was connected, and I shouldn't be distracted by the world and boys and such. JEEZ! Haha.

Okay, so I was still doing my school work. The school would send me my homework and assignments in the mail, and I would do them. Mr Wong and my Chem class would send me lots of care packages, full of cookies and letters and such. (Thank you guys! Haha.) HOWEVER, one day, I had to go back to school to do an Am Hist test. They let me out, but I had to wear stockings and Timberland boots. When I got to school, I was gonna tell Mr. Brown about what was happening in that...CULT! IT WAS LIKE A CULT!! There were believers and such!!

Yah, but then I saw Kuni and Ivan and got distracted and talked to them instead. And then the dream was over.

The end.

I told Mr Brown the dream, and he said that in real life, he would help me without a doubt. LOL sorry I made you a bad guy in my dream.

:) Yah that's my crazy dream. Wonder what it means!!

Another Friday

Another another another another another.

Mixed day today. Physics was a disaster. I would be worried about it, but I've just decided to let it go. I studied all I could, worried and all that. Ended badly, but at least I'm not alone, haha. It was just...long. Confusing. Physics textbook, goodbye. You can't make fun of me anymore!

Went to Tony's house afterwards, with the girls. Haha "the girls". Wow. It was fun. Watched Glee finale. Watched Lie to Me, which was WACKED OUT BEYOND BELIEF. Crazy stuff. It was this sociopath psycho murderer dude. He was like "going out" with a prof, who was the main characters old gf. He "went out" with her too when he was her student at the university, learning...lie detection? So basically, it was a cat and mouse chess game sort of thing. The murderer dude knew that lie guy was coming after him, and they just tried to outsmart each other.

ANYWAYS, in the end, he was guilty. He buried 4 bodies in this field tree place haha. He tortured his victims by drowning them multiple times, then performing CPR to save them at the last minute. SO. CRAZY. HOLY.

...haha yah it was WACKKK. Then we had KD, which I usually HATEEEEEE TOOOO DEATHHHH, but today I really really wanted to eat it.

Okay, so yah now I'm at home. Just finished reading this manga. :( I'm sad it's over. I need to study math but I can't. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

...LOL...waiting waiting waiting.

The manga was weird. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO strange? I was kind of confused, but the relationship between the girl and guy was really sweet. @__@...jealous.

Meh, okay, I'll................chill for a bit. Maybe take a shower?

TAH TAH.

Oops

Sorry the 54th post was not actually my 54th post. It was like 44th or something. It was my 54th...thing. Haha I have a lot of draft posts that I either got too lazy to finish or too embarrassed to post. Sorry Grace. 53 is still coming!!

A Separate Peace

Okay before I hand in my book here are some quotes.

"Nothing endures, not a tree, not love, not even a death by violence."

"Changed, I headed back through the mud. I was drenched; anybody could see it was time to come out of the rain."

"I should have told him then that he was my best friend also and rounded off what he had said. I started to; I nearly did. But something held me back. Perhaps I was stopped by that level of feeling, deeper than through, which contains the truth."

"...and the rays of the sun were shooting past them, millions of rays shooting past them like - like golden machine-gun fire. That's what it was like, if you want to know. The two of them looked as black as - as black as death standing up there with this fire burning all around them."

"After all, I reflected to myself, people were shooting flames into caves and grilling other people alive, ships were being torpedoed and dropping thousands of men in the icy oceans, whole city blocks were exploding into flame in an instant. My brief burst of animosity, lasting only a second, a part of a second, something which came before I could recognize it and was gone before I knew it had possessed me, what was that in the midst of this holocaust?"

"He was nodding his head, his jaw tightening and his eyes closed on the tears. 'I believe you. It's okay because I understand and I believe you. You've already shown me and I believe you.'"

"I did not cry then or ever about Finny. I did not cry even when I stood watching him being lowered into his family's straight-laced burial ground outside of Boston. I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."

"All of them, all except Phineas, constructed at infinite cost to themselves these Maginot Lines against this enemy they thought they saw across the frontier, this enemy who never attacked that way - if he ever attacked at all; if he was indeed the enemy."

Okay so what we kind of learn:
1) We make our own enemies.
2) Loss of innocence is a part of life.
3) ...Don't know.

Haha. Guess I'm not doing that one for my exam. I like the quote about the holocaust and all the crappy things happening, and how his hate should be nothing in such an era. But I think they are trying to say that it's not true. Hate is hate, violence is violence. They might not happen on the same scale, but it is there and it is wrong. A murder does not justify a theft. Death does not justify pain. There is no such connection.

*I just thought of this, like an hour later. All the crap in the world, all the goodness, all acts stand alone. They cannot be compared because they will never share the same quality, and each moment has its own identity. That is why you cannot disregard any small kindness or any moderate cruelty. WOW! ASP, you are teaching me all over the place!

LOLLLLL man oh man exam man. Hhahahahahahaha I dunno what I'm gonna write about. Probably the symbol one, but I still dunno what that entails. People keep talking about Leper's windows? What? I don't even remember them.

Okay I re-read the passage and...what? That was like 2 sentences. They weren't even really...mentioned. It was like "the house had 2 windows. One had a star, one had Leper. Leper was looking out the window."

...That's it. Umm...I'm still confused. :S I really don't see that as a symbol guys!!

I wonder if it's alright to just use Leper as a symbol. Because his windows...that's really stretching it for me. Leper!

...Hmm I don't know what else to study. I finally read the book again a few days ago. There's no need for quotes or anything...Hmm...

Bah! Wish me luck tomorrow! Imma do...I dunno. :D

54

Hey Grace. This is my 54th post. :( Sorry, missed by one.

Anyways. Life is okay. Exams are coming up, but they are coming for everyone, and then we will all complain and study and cry and then they will be over and life will go on. So...yeah don't sweat them so much. Haha. We'll get through them. :)

It's been good lately. Feeling pretty content. Feeling not so psycho. Hahaha, it's been pretty good. I'm just trying to be more chill and more honest, but sometimes they kind of conflict. Haha...when I get pissed, I'm trying to just let it out now, rather than keep it in, but then I'm not so chill, am I?

Fufufufufufufufu. I saw a rabbit this morning. It was cute. It was jumping on the hill when I left for school. There was no MIA meeting. It was cancelled. BOO.

laskdjflaskdjglaskdjfas SO ANNOYED EFFING INTERNET WON'T STAY ON STUPID. Ugh.

==;; Bad mood now. Going. Bye.

Dream 2

Okay, so today I took the SAT. We'll see how that pans out, but that's all you need to know for the dream.

So in the dream, I was writing the SAT. Well sort of. It was half music class, half SAT. So Mr. Rice and Ms. Gassi were administrating it. But first they showed us this clip show, akin to the one they showed at music banquet. And they were talking to us about money, and how it was their last year, but they really wanted to get money for the music department before they left. So they kind of talked about how we gave a music fee of $20 at the beginning of the year and then introduced the "Farewell Fee", which was $10. People were pissed, to say the least?

Then I dunno wtf I was doing, I think I was cutting lettuce for MIA BBQ, but I was cutting it from underneath. Long story short, I sliced off my third finger. And it didn't hurt or anything. Just...it was sliced off my hand. For the first day, I just went around without it. Then the next day, I bandaged it to my hand. Finally, I told my parents and we went to my eye doctor. He said it would cost $2000 for the surgery to reattach it. I was like "Hey, 2000, not bad." But my parents were like "WTF 2000$?! NO WAY! YOU DON'T NEED THAT FINGER!"

...Yah and that's my dream.

(Don't worry, my parents would pay for it!! ;D)

JUNE!

I'm not good at thinking of titles. LOL just read and then you'll know the title, I guess. :)

I'm watching the Tyra show right now. They are talking about spanking.

I just like hearing the voices speaking. The noise is comforting.

Okay let's talk about the dream I had last night. My dreams are becoming really, really relevant. They are actually related to what is happening! It's creepy.

I have two new dreams. Not sure if I want to separate into two posts or keep it in one. I think I'll separate them. Okay so I'll start with the one that I had first. 2 days ago. Okay let's start.

This is relevant because...wow. Okay, so I was supposed to walk home with the kid that day. That is another interesting story. I'll talk about that later.

So the dream. Well, it was a school day, and I was just about to get off from last period and go home! But then Madame Pollard decided to keep my French class back after school to do research in the library (for culminating? I'm not too sure.) So I run out first, to tell him that I would be a little late and to wait for me. He looked like a tiger. Omg, I swear, he looked like this anime character...I think from Naruto, not sure. Maybe the guy with the dog. Hmm.

So I go in to do my research, and then Grace comes. She's not normally in my French class, but w/e. She tells me that she's leaving to go to a gymnastics tournament. I didn't know she did gymnastics, but apparently, she got really into it because Ms. Gassi convinced her to do it. They became really good friends in the process. I got a momentary glimpse of this dojo/restaurant where Grace trained. She was a champion gymnast.

Anyways, I finish my research, and go out to meet him. He was joined by Billy and Michael and Kevin. Strange crowd, haha. So anyways, it's winter time, and the sun was kind of setting. We walked to Billy's house, even though in real life, Billy lives in the opposite direction. So when we are almost there, James says that he has to go back to school. So I just go to Billy's house, but inside, there's Vanessa Wen (who I don't even know. I don't even know what she looks like. Jeez, my subconscious is strange.) So in my dream, she's this really small, pale, doll-like girl. Really, really cute. (I'm sure she's cute in real life too!) And she dated Billy before. They were all huddled up and looking at this notebook they had made when going out. It was full of notes and drawings and she kept saying "Did you see what I added?" becuase she added another packet of pages.

SO I GOT BORED. Felt kind of left out, didn't want to intrude. They were really cute, eh? Anyways, I decided to go back to school. I was walking alone up the hill, and everything was golden (sun was setting.) It was pretty. Then in the middle of the street, I get an msn message from James. He's telling me he's sorry for dissapearing, but he had e-sports at school and had forgotten about it. Oh yeah, it was 5:15 pm. I had checked my watch. I dunno what e-sports is but...enh.

Anyways, in real life, it didn't work out this way. Haha, Grace was so heartbroken. It was raining like crazy, and I guess we just kept missing each other in the hallways. I went home the usual way and went by the river. It was amazing! Gushing like crazy. I really want to get out my big rain boots and go play in the river sometime. Hmm...:)

Oh, and I know I'm late but...

HAPPY JUNE! Almost summerrrr!