Before

If you could see who I was before, who I really was, you would either hate me or pity me. I can't stand that.

I was once telling stories to a friend, and they told me, "hold up. Are you lying to me? You're making this up."

"What do you mean? It's all true."

"It doesn't sound like you. The entire mood is wrong."

...Yah, I hate her too.

I hate who she was and I pity the hell out of her. Sucks that it was me. I'm writing again. Partly inspired by that girl's book. I've been reading it every night before I go to bed. The sections are short and pretty interesting. I just skip the ones that don't interest me. But she has interesting things to say, and I like to read them.

So I've been starting on Windows, because it is the most outstanding piece of work I have (by outstanding, I mean unfinished, like an outstanding bill. Not like WOW IT'S AWESOME.) Haha, writing it is nice. I enjoy myself, sort of. But I have to read all the emails and chat logs again, and it's kind of depressing. I see who I was and I almost want to cry again, because the angst is so deep.

Ugh, I HATE her. She's the kind of person people look at and shake their heads in disbelief over.

Even though you hurt me, I was a terrible girlfriend. Always was.

What about now? I don't even know. It's been a while, since I've had to act that part, and I think that will continue. I'm happy now, finally. I don't think I could go back to that.

OKAY I took a break from writing, and I talked to a bunch of peeps and now I'm happy again. :D YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BYE EMO JENN HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN. :) You were in for a while, but now you are so out. You are on an event horizon. ;D

:S

I used to feel a little sympathy for you, because I loved you. But we broke down, and you became so flawed in such a short amount of time that I could not take it.

But here is something, if anything, that I hope for you. I hope in the end, you can be honest with yourself, and stop hiding behind defenses. You always blamed me for being anti-social, and I believed that was true. But I met some people that made me think otherwise. I'm sorry, I'm not a butterfly, I can't be like you. I don't know if I want to...

I do not think I can trust someone who embraces everyone in the whole world. What does that trust mean, if in the end, it belongs to everyone?

Sharing is caring, but...haha not now.

You know, there was once an old lady who fell down on the street. No one would touch her. People would just walk by her and leave her on the ground. This little 14 year old girl rode her bike over and tried to help her up. The lady struggled and screamed and would not let that little girl go. She said that the girl knocked her down, and made a huge fuss. I think there was even a lawsuit, but I'm not sure on that.

I don't know where I'm going with that. Something with trust I guess. Just sucks, that we can't even help others without being stabbed in the back anymore.

Oh yah, back to the beginning.

Haha, I dunno my point.

1) Don't make promises - especially ones to yourself - that you can't keep.
2) Don't diagnose other people. You don't know them.
3) Save the trust. Means more if it's worth something, and even more if it's real.
4) Help others. A world this beautiful deserves some people who are just as beautiful. :S We were all born the same way...Nature vs Nurture haha. Anyways...
5) When people are in pain, listen to them. Keep the conversation on them. Maybe it is awkward, but don't change the subject to something mundane and childishly irrelevant.

Yup.

RIGHT NOW

GO WATCH THIS:

Valentine - Kina Grannis

Haha, this is my kind of music...

Let's just pretend it's February 14th. :)

Cccccccccccc

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.”

I feel like noise is an ugly word.

"Your silence speaks volumes."

I'm thinking of sounds, but I don't want a speech.

“Lying is done with words and also with silence.”

This VOID, what is this empty calm?

It's bed time.
And shut up time.

2nd quote is one that I like.
The less words we have to work with, the more we say.
I always end up writing too much, because I lie to get around the fact that I don't know what I am saying.
Sorry, teachers. It's a pain...

Good night.

Chill Out Chair

Deep breaths girl.

Time to just chill out. Forget the day. Move on.

1) Physics is kind of stressing me out. But what will be will be, so I'll just let it settle itself.
2) Between girls, there will never be peace. Lol, that's just how we roll. We angst, we BH, we BS, we badmouth. Dramarama 24/7. But we forgive and we love and we laugh together in the end. Always. It won't always be this tough.
3) Between girls and boys, there will always be different levels of emotion. Haha, all people seem to want to talk about, hear about, make movies about, is love and its various forms. I want to push that aside, if just for tonight. I just want to be me (with no net forces acting upon me. (Lol Fnet = 0, so I am travelling at a constant velocity, eg, no change. No outside forces, so, momentum is conserved. What I have going into something will be what I have going out. LOL WASN'T THAT COOL WHAT I JUST DID THERE?)

4) Between boys...LOL WHO AM I KIDDING I DON'T UNDERSTAND DUDES. I'm getting there, slowly. Getting over my fears. Trust knows no gender, that's what I know for sure.

5) If you've got a problem, come talk to me, I'm all yours.

That's all for tonight.

(If all else fails, just be straight with yourself and be straight with each other. Peace, lovelies.)

Lame

Hey: when someone asks you a question, just answer the stupid question.

Don't go all philosophical and think you are the bomb because you are "deep". Ugh, when you try that hard, people see right through you. Even if you are deep, you're clear as day, and that's boring as hell.

Get over your self-righteous butt and GET REAL PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. You'll be cooler.

You might even have a chance at being the bomb.

1) Be real.
2) GOD STOP THINKING OF "GOOD" ANSWERS AND JUST ANSWER WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.

People can't read minds. Don't lead them the wrong way by not saying what you mean, or trying to portray a certain image. False admiration is a useless currency!!!!!

3) BE STRAIGHT WITH EACH OTHER. HOLY IF I SAY THIS ONE MORE TIME I WILL EXPLODE.
4) You aren't cool until you aren't cool. Then you become cool. ;D
5) Personality is the first thing you think of when someone asks you a question. Sorry. Even if you lie to cover up how brutally cruel you can be, or how internally sensitive you really are, it's still in you. :S You might not even know it, but that's what it is.

Bye.

Dream 4?

Okay I think this is dream 4. Not too sure, but holy it was...mostly wishful thinking.

God Jennifer, just go suck an egg. Stupid subconscious, taking me on stupid rides that I don't want to go on. SUCKS SUCKS UGH NOW I'M SAD.

LOL okay let's get started. (I'm listening to Utada. UGH SHE KILLS ME.)

LIKE WHO IN THE WORLD GAVE THAT TO HER, CRAP SHE'S AMAZING. Ughhhh her voiceeeeeee is killing meeeeeeeeeee.

FML I don't want to get started on this dream because then I have to put his name down and I'll just be some creepy loser lame-o weird THING that has stupid dreams. SO ANGRY.

Okay, okay, well everyone that matters knows that I went to his house. So in this dream, I invited him to my house.

...Ugh, fine let's start.

So he came to my house, and I met him at the south end of the path thing near my house. There is a park there, and we stopped their first before heading back to my house. It was a hot, hot day, and there was a water park there! (I just found that out a few days ago, haha.) Anyways, there were a couple guys playing basketball, and WX was there with her boyfriend. I told him to go and play basketball, and I sat down with those girls.

Anyways, I was talking with WX, sort of catching up I guess. She said I looked happy, and I told her I was. Haha, yah I was pretty happy. So the girls are just chitchatting while the dudes play. One girl looks at me and asks, "Is he your boyfriend?"

I shook my head and said, "No, we're good friends."

She smiled and tilted her head and said, "Then you don't mind if I ask him for his number then, do you?"

"No, go ahead," I said to her. (So passive, even in my dreams.) So yah, the boys kept playing, and we just kept talking I guess. After he and I were going home, and we ran through the water park. Haha, I was laughing cuz I didn't have extra clothes for him, and then the girl came and asked him if she could talk to him. So I just told him I would wait for him by the path.

...Yup. Way to go, Jenn. Fml, she was cute too. LOL my dream competition smoked me.

He was his usual self, I dunno. Anyways, we walked back, and we just played at my house. ...I have memories of Mario Kart. Yup. Anyways, here's where it gets WEIRDDDD. So for some reason, he was sleeping over at my house (wtf?). My parents seemed okay with it, which is even WEIRDER. So I slept at one end of the couch, and he was curled up on the other end. (Chill guys, its like PG 4. Rated E, for everyone. LOL my dreams have no hormones.) I slept pretty well (I slept in my dream while I was sleeping.) but when it was morning, I didn't want to get up. Eventually, everyone in my house was awake, except us on the couch. I finally decided to get up, and let him keep sleeping. My parents went out somewhere, and then I went upstairs.

For some reason, this was all happening in my old house. I was upstairs in my pink room, and I was looking for a shirt to wear. I had all these weird clothes. I picked this white tank top with this lacy flower pattern and braided straps that was sewn into a hot pink cardigan. But then when I put it on and looked in the mirror, it became this big white T-shirt with a colourful picture of a white tiger and parrots and jungle foliage, and a navy cardigan. lol.

So he came upstairs after and we were just up in my room. Then, I hear this big crash, and my brother runs into my room as well. These two guys, both dressed in black trench coats and sunglasses come in, and one of them looks like Morgan Freeman and the other looked like Bruce Willis. I guess they were thieves? But at that moment, I was just trying to get away from them.

We ran into a separate place in my house, and it was this BIGGGGG supermarket warehouse. Sort of like Home Depot, filled with food and stuff. :S Yah, and people were cleaning the aisles. Then there was this BIGGGG car crash, and it knocked over this HUGE JAR OF DRY PEANUT BUTTER. Inside were like flakes/powder puffs of peanut butter. The jar was like 2 meters tall. (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!)

I kind of get the car crash, because right after, my aunty and uncle came, just like after my car crash. They asked us if we were okay, and they called the police.

Anyways, I was scrambling, running around everywhere. The police were trying to find the two men who broke in, because they were the thieves that kept stealing things on my street (we've had several robberies on this street!). Then a girl turned in a bat, and flew away. I don't know how I realized this, but I was a vampire. (Okay, I blame on the fact that I've been reading New Moon and Eclipse recently.) Everyone was a vampire, and we were all turning into bats.

I was looking for him, but someone told me he left. After the two guys had broken in, I had just left him in my room alone. I saw from someone else's perspective that he had gotten tired of just waiting, and that he left a note and went home. I became human again (how?), and rushed after him. His note said something like "234872 2342_3, between 1 and 2, which one should I choose? I....will...be...waiting..."

So I chased him out and I caught him at my door. I asked him what the note meant, and he told me that he had to decide on course selection, and that he was missing a number on his course code, either a 1 or a 2, which determined the difficulty of his English course. I told him to go for the harder one, and then he started to go home.

Lol, I shouted after him, and I didn't want him to leave haha. Then all of a sudden Billy was there on the other side of the street, and was playing with a police weapon thing. It was this giant claw thing and when you pushed a button, it zoomed out and could grab you. I told him to PUT IT DOWN, and he did, but then the police got to him and started using it on him.

Haha, I blocked the claw thing, and it was weird. There was a keypad thing where you typed 3 characters, and that was the shape of the claw. Eg, if you put I37, then the claw would have that shape. I was really, really good at dodging the claw thing, and the police thought I was a natural.

...That's all I remember.

It started pretty normal. Almost real, haha.

Kay, I'm done.

PEACEEEEEEEEE.

Prelude to a Dream

Dunno which number this is. It was...nice, I guess.

OMG DON'T JUDGE ME!!

I went to bed, thinking about old...people. Friends, I guess, that have gone or were lost or who picked up and left. Thinking about it now, I just realized that I don't have to be friends with everyone. I'm allowed to say no. Always allowed to say no. Who says I have to be gracious and lovely all the time?

I always tend to hold myself back and agree to everything because I am afraid of being judged. But in the end, the only one judging is myself.

"A girl who is dressed and groomed can forget about that part of her. That's charm. The more parts of yourself that you can forget, the more charm you have."

I want to try to be more like that, and let go of my own inhibitions on myself. I want to try to stop doing the noble, correct thing, and do what I want, even if it's just once in a while.

...Okay I'm not talking about my dream.

==;;...That'll come, I'll try to remember it. IT WAS A GOOD ONE.

But yah, there's my revelation. I guilt myself into doing the right thing all the time. I'm not being nice, I'm just lying to both of us...

A friend once told me to just stop lying. "Stop pretending to be nice. Just say how you feel." I'm trying man, but it's hard. LOL ESPECIALLY FOR ME GAHHHH WHYYYY.

It means nothing if you are just a nice person who cannot seem to do wrong because you cannot afford the guilt of someone else's hurt. That's just selfishness manifesting into self-appreciation.

It's the same way I think of honesty. There is no merit in not being able to lie - we don't celebrate a rabbit for not being a murderer. It is just the way the rabbit is. If you can't lie, that's just the way you are. I don't call that honesty. I think honesty is having a choice between a lie and a truth, and choosing to tell the truth.

So I guess if you can't be mean, it doesn't automatically mean you are nice.

...OKAY, I think we've come to an end. I don't want to forget my dream.

1) Be nice, LOL.
2) Don't judge yourself.
3) Smile, you're beautiful!
4) I take back what I said before. We are not friends, and if I ever see you again, I will smile at you with my best smile, but that's it. I want to fill my life with bright shining people, and it's going well. Met you for a reason, but you will always be the one I can't give up. Even after all these years, when I think of you, I have to lie to myself to stay level headed. Yah, yah, I am probably the only one still thinking about it, but I'm slow in my revelations.

:) The end, it's closed for good. Final-freaking-ly.

DREAM TIME.

:)

Dream Time

Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

I FINALLY had another dream to write about!!!
:) Just remembered it too!

Okay, so it was some MIA event. A huge one, and we were really, really badly prepared (let's hope this isn't a premonition of what's to come!). On the day OF the event, we were still scrambling to get everything we needed, paying for stuff. There were signs for the event (I think it was the volunteer thing but I'm not too sure) and also HUGE signs that were reminders for us. Some said "VOLUNTEER DAY 2010!" while others said "SOMEONE GO BUY FLOWERS BESIDE THE MOUNTAINS". Flowers were a REALLY big part of what we were doing. Another sign said "GO TO THE STORE BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS TO GET CAKE".

...what mountains...

Anyways that was the setting. However, it started off with a big group of us in the caf. We were the MACDONALD team, and there was some scavenger/race activity competition going on. There were schools from all over, even the US! Yeah, so we were facing those teams in some competition. Somehow, we got separated, and then the MIA members had to go do their tasks. I kind of ignored the big signs telling me to go to the mountains, cuz I didn't want to make that long trek in the flowery fields.

Anyways, I was in the library, and got sent off to find...something. :S I don't remember what. So I was going along, and Billy was there, looking for his dear. He was helping me look for whatever I was looking for and keeping me company. He did find her though, and left me ALONE, THANKS MAN THANKS.

So I kept on searching, and I realized it was almost lunch time. Which meant that he would be in Civics. (This is wrong, he has Civics in the morning!! FML such a stalker, this is sick.) I thought about waiting around so I could see him, but I thought, no I can't, have to find whatever I'm looking for.

I saw a bunch of teams wandering around, and the American team was going home and taking a group picture. They were really nice...hahaha

Then I was coordinating a bunch of volunteers (MARATHON DEJA VU). We were looking for FRUIT OMG THAT'S IT. So I sent them to the garden (IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL GARDEN) and they were getting fruit. I came back to check on them, and Ms Woods and some Indian teacher were standing at the garden door. I looked in, and the volunteers were gorging themselves on peaches and stuff. I called them in and apologized to Ms Woods. She explained that the guy who runs the garden doesn't like kids in there, and if other students saw them in there, they would go in and eat all the fruits too.

.........wtf. There were really nice yellow lilies in there....pretty!

So Ms. Woods gives me this book with like...EVERYTHING in it. Like an encyclopedia. It explained like everything. There was a section on the days of the week, and the definitions of the days. It was like "Wednesday: between Tuesday and Thursday, the elastic portion of the week." It was SOOOO WEIRD, but it made so much sense in my dream. I looked at it and almost took the book, then realized that I had to return it. I went to the normal library, but I couldn't find the place.

Then I ran into Ms Woods again, and she showed me where to return it. It was this secret library, beside the video room in our school. (It was where the Language hallway and the History hallway intersected). I went in, and there were BOOKS EVERYWHERE IT WAS AWESOME.

I still couldn't find the right place for the book, so she showed me the catalogue. It was this golden box, and there were like....files. But the files were not made of paper. They were beads banners, with a letter on each. It was supposed to be in alphabetical order, but it was all messed up. I still couldn't find the place for the book, so I just left it in a pile. Then I started to look at other books, and spent the rest of the dream trying to find the book "A Notion in Paraxitlese".

WTF DREAM WTF. It was about a young girl who was abused by her mother. Seemed sad.

Yup, that's the dream.

LET'S HOPE THERE'S A GOOD ONE TONIGHT TOO!

(Oh, and Mac didn't win the competition. IN OUR OWN SCHOOL. We suck man. Lol and for some reason, our cheer was "NO!" Someone asked us why, and it was because Macdonald students always say no. ...what is that supposed to mean...)

You there

SMILE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

:)

Oh my God.

I just hate living right now. I don't even want to talk about it, because I feel so depressing and lame and ugh.

I want to sleep and just not have the morning come.

Maybe it will be a nice day.
I don't know.
Scared.
So tired of this.

You know, I can't even try harder.
Only a few more weeks...
Until it all starts again.

Sorry for the pessimism.
Over dramatic, but I don't care.

My head is spinning with the ideas of circular motion and planets.
Understanding...physics...is...impossible...
Copernicus was pretty smart eh?
How can I shove this all in my head?!


I can do this, haha.
Hope I can, at least.
I'm counting down the days.

...

I just feel sad and low.

Lame, lame, lame.

Boomdeyada

Hey. Things happened. Let's break them down.

1) ...I dunno why, but I hesitate every time I say it.

Okay, so I was in a car accident yesterday. Lol it was kind of wacked out. We were going to this churchy picnic/play day thing. I thought the car ride was about 2 hours, so I was listening to music...Yah.

So we got a little lost, and I guess once we had turned around, we started back in the right direction. It was around 9:56 am that time (Haha I had just checked the clock). So we got to and intersection and were going straight, and then out of freaking no where, all of a sudden, there was this big black SUV in front of us, racing to the other side of the road.

I dunno, it was the first time this had ever happened to be, but I thought time just...slowed down. I saw the black car, and I thought, "We are going to hit that car". And then we hit it, and spun out. My brother was just like screaming, and it scared the crap out of my mom. I looked at him and then BAM, we hit a light post, and we stopped spinning and I hit my head on the window. Airbags were out, and I wasn't that scared while it was happening (I think I was just like...sitting there looking at everything). But I got really jerky when my parents were yelling at me to get out of the car, get out of the car.

Lol. People stopped their cars, came over, called 911. Haha I couldn't get out because I just couldn't get the seatbelt out and I was trying to get my phone to call 911, but I just couldn't think. Police came, firetruck came (firefighters were very nice. LOL, good taste, Ms. Stirling), EMS. They checked out my head, mom was freaking out. I got to ride in an ambulance. It was cool. EMS dudes were nice too.

The other car actually rolled over a few times. It only stopped once the wheel got caught on the fence thing of the highway. I was scared for that other guy, because I could just see his hand, shaking shaking shaking through his window. But eventually he climbed out, and it was just him in the car. He came out yelling, "Oh man, oh man I saw children in that car. Were there children? Oh man, oh man I made a mistake."

We were all okay, I guess, but I just wanted to cry. Like man, I saw that car in front of us and I just thought, "We're going to hit that car."

...This kind of made me realize a few things.

LOL, yah I guess this could have ended worse, but I'm not having one of those life/death epiphanies of where I should cherish life and enjoy living. Haha, I think I already got that. When it happened though, I kept thinking, "What did I do that was so bad that karma is doing this?".

Just made me realize people deal with things differently. Brother's psyche just snapped, he was screaming the scariest kind of scream. Just hollow and deep and full of fear. I feel like I live through a screen. No fear, no aftershock. Things just happened, and I just happened to be there. Feel like it's kind of sick though. I'm not a passionate person. I don't feel things...and I guess if I do, I don't let go enough to really feel things.

I guess what I'm saying is, even in the midst of everything, I would never be able to snap out of my mind long enough to scream with pure natural fear. There would always be another part of my mind occupied with something else, with thought. Haha, once again, I just think too much.

Employers, that's my weakness.

Anyways, some happier things. I rode in an ambulance today. Haha, kind of cool. Umm I had a nice night too.

2) Summer school tomorrow. I hope I meet some cool peeps, who I can feel comfortable around and open enough. I figure that the people going to summer school must be closer to my "kind" than others, haha.

I don't mean to discriminate...actually maybe the opposite. I feel very little and small and unworthy around people my age a lot. I don't feel better, I feel worse. Haha, let's see what happens.

3) I don't think I'm going to give up. It won't work, even if I win, but I don't intend to win or lose. :) JUST GONNA FIGHT. (Y)

4) That's it. Go home.

For Grace

This is the 53rd post. The real one.

:) Love you Grace!

What do you want for your birthday? (No GD.)

CNE

LOL...crazy day.

Crazy yesterday*. Haha, want a summary? Maybe I'll do it in point form to MIX IT UP. (Does anyone remember Mix It Up at school? Where we had to sit with diff people and we all got numbers and colours and stuff? Yo I don't remember because I ran away to Chipps' room. Did anyone go? I want to hear about the experience.)

Anyways. Oh yah point form.

-Started off day early. 9:00 at fv with Mandy and Bethany. We met Mao and he saw his friend Mark and just DASHED into a subway car, even though we were supposed to wait for Yuchen?! Haha, so bad. Totally ditched him back at FV. No one told him to meet at S-Y.
-Bused bused bused to Union. Met up with Sean, ex-VP IB dude. Got on a STREET CAR (I LOVE STREET CARS, DID YOU KNOW THAT?)
-Made it to CNE grounds at 10:06 am. Job fair started at 10 am. We were like "heck yes, nice timing guys". LOL.

...
...
...

-Let's just say, the line was already INSANE. It was a pretty large building, and the line went ALL THE WAY AROUND. It was...crazy.
-Stood in that line for 2 hours. Not so bad, had some laughs. Just....stood around. Michael shed some skin. We stood. Michael shed some more. We moved up a little. Tick tock tick tock.
-Finally got in the door, gave in our apps, got a number. I was 846. There were like 1200s out there. Crazy.
-GOT IN ANOTHER LINE. Waited for another 2 hours. Waitlisted. Everything was full. It was basically first come first serve. Haha, Sean got an interview! He was the only one.
-Story is, we were waiting in line for the ticket taker job. Lady comes and yells, "ANYBODY HAVE A G LISCENCE?!". Sean goes, "Is G2 okay?".
Lady: Yes, yes that's fine. Would you like to drive a tractor?"
Sean: Oh well...I don't know how...
Lady: IT'S OKAY. WE'LL TEACH YOU.

Walks away, comes back with interview. As a tractor driver. Haha, he had only gotten his G2 yesterday. So he got to chillax for the rest of the line up.

Handed in our cards, gave in our resumes, went off a "cross of tired and pissed". Haha.

Sorry I gave up on point form. Lame lame lame. Anyways, we went to Starwalk Buffet later on. Ate...but no one ate that much. Didn't feel that anyone really went above and beyond. Maybe we were just too tired.

LOL BILLY I MET MARK!! I MET HIM! Lol.

Umm...then we went to Staples. Umm...then we went home.

Fruitless day. Fine day. Fun day.

I wish it was a Friday. Because then I could have used alliteration. That would be great. I love alliteration so much. (TT)...