U-Turn

Life is sort of a douche. In the nicest way possible, don't want to get on it's bad side. It just seems so unpredictable and topsy-turvy. I seriously can't find a way to describe it.

Now that I am in university, summer is not two months of golden relaxation. It is a four month stretch of "I need to find something to do with my life", amplified by the fact that everyone around you is more successful, more focused, more connected and more LUCKY than you.

Job hunting is awful... Rejection is play but rejectionS are bitter and always leave me hating myself. Why am I not good enough? What is so wrong about me?

I had been searching for a job since February. I had a lucky break when I got an interview at an EEB lab with professor Barrett, an evolution prof that taught me first term biology. I...was rejected T-T. Then I had two interviews for FLC, trin and international. And was rejected again.

Listen, I am not bitter or hurt or vindictive. I am just reminding myself of past follies and faults and that life is not easy. It does not go the way you want it too. Apart from this, I did not receive a single ROP, while my friends had offers from the get go.

It hurt my pride, bruised my ego, but I think I was humbled by it overall. I am not the best, but what I do is work hard and get myself through.

By then it was April, and things were not looking good. I scoured Craigslist and the Career website every night, ignoring my studies and homework. I was so desperate!!

I caught a bit of a lucky break when I found a job posting in a physio lab, working with insects. I had and interview and then school was over. The first year of my university life was over and what did I have to show for it??? Almost nothing. I had good marks but it didn't bring me anywhere. I had drive and curiosity but I was so discouraged that it hurt.

The interviewer had told me that they would get back to me in a week or so. I anxiously waited through a week, but no word came. I made wishes in fountains and stars and clocks. I really wanted the job, any job. I knew I could do it, given the chance. In the meantime, all I could do was salivate at the success of my peers. Internships at large companies, lab jobs with the government, assistant in the department of medicine - lists piled high, pressing down from above me. All this pressure, and all I could feel was frustration. There was nothing I could do to change my situation, I was pushing myself so hard, and that really hurt me. You can't FORCE life to work out. It will if it wants to.

After two weeks, I gave up on the bug job and started looking ahead. I booked appointments with professors to talk about the future. I researched career paths and tried to plan out my life. I felt happy for my employed friends and tried to help my unluckiest friends. Yes, I still felt that tug in my heart when someone achieved something great or experienced something wonderful, but I had my own life to live and had to make due with what I had.

Just as I had settled into a comfortable sense of self and acceptance, everything around me tumbled into place. How strange. All the effort I put in, cover letter after cover letter, resume after resume, and as I set my sights on less ambition dreams, all my summer dreams came true.

A few things happened. I got a position in a council as a webmaster. I joined a volunteer team to raise money for cancer. I met with a professor and had a long talk about the future. I was offered a research project and I took it. And most delightfully, I got the bug job. Just when I had given up hope, in two days, my research dreams were fulfilled, my extracurricular and community involvement was satisfied and my summer was golden.

I reckon that even though I like to do nothing, I am happiest when I am busy. The nights where I sit still and feel perfectly content about the day that had just passed always leaves me smiling. Time passes so quickly when there are lots of things to do, and I really hope this summer will be a great one. :)

I am sometimes so negative and sad, but I think it is because I can't control what happens. What I would do for a sign, some signal of what tomorrow holds. But these are things we never know, so I'll just have to remember what I have learned the last few days.

Life turns around. It can flip flop and change in seconds. Be patient yet chase down your dreams. Look forward but don't let go of the past. Hold tight to your beliefs yet keeps your hands open for new views. Dint be your own enemy.

So for the first time in a little while I am proud of myself. I earned it and I will relish it. I am my own person and these are accomplishments that I have gotten through determination, frustration and dare I say, a little luck.

I WILL KEEP DREAMING!