Dream 6

...huh...

You know when you have dreams that are really, really good? The ones where you don't want to wake up, because they are exactly what you want your life to be? I dunno what y'all want, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And when you do eventually wake up, you are so depressed for the rest of the day, because all you can think about is how great your dream life was and "WHY CAN'T MY LIFE BE LIKE THAT?!".

Well, anyways, that's happy dreams. Whether your meeting GD or Jason Mraz or whatever your fetish is...:( Sad...

Okay, well I had a really really SAD dream last night, and I am SAD now. It was so...ugh depressing.

So it started off in summer school, sort of. But I was taking English instead of Physics, and my teacher was my husband. ...Yeah. So we were given a book list, and we had to pick one book to do an essay/final assignment/culminating thing on. Of course, being us, we tried to pick the teacher's brain to figure out the questions and which books would be the easiest to write about.

Well, we were in the library, choosing our books. I went home, ate dinner with my husband (LOL WTF.) We were all cartoons, like Disney cartoons. I was Cinderella, dunno why. He was kind of fat with grey hair. But then when he took off his wig, he had black hair.

...Yeah.

He was older than me, but I guess I loved him a lot. We didn't have any kids, but I know I wanted kids. Anyways, one day, I think I went grocery shopping. I bought an orange bell pepper, yellow bell pepper, a coconut, some bananas and a cantaloupe. I think after I got back from the supermarket, he was already dead. There were firemen and stuff, talking talking talking, and I just wanted to die. I felt so sad, and I just stayed in my house and cried for a really long time. Eventually I went outside again and started "living", but I was more of a shell than a person.

One day, I was going to this therapy session that my parents wanted me to go to. I dunno, I felt like I was still hurting, but their grief was long gone, which is understandable. I was just walking, numbly, my feet barely moving, to the therapists house. I passed my brothers house, and he was playing outside with his daughter. ...They were both white, I dunno.

Yeah, so I was carrying around the groceries I bought the day he died. The peppers had these dry brown spots on them, and I guess the rest of the stuff was getting soft and bad, but I still carried that tattered bag everywhere I went. But today, I left it with my brother. I told him, "Here, keep this for me. I can't take it to the therapist, they won't like that. But I might want it when I come back, so take care of it for me." I think out of everyone, he was the most understanding towards me. His daughter asked why I was carrying around rotten groceries, but he just hushed her, and saw me off. Yeah, he was definitely the nicest to me..

Okay, so I got to the house, and Silvia opened the door for me. She kind of looked at me funny, and said, "Hi, glad you could make it. You're late." I think she was the receptionist, because she was really formal to me.

I passed by another couch, and there was this lady from my church. She smiled at me, and said, "You're late."

...I was kind of getting pissed, because MY HUSBAND DIED YOU INSENSITIVE TWATS and I WAS NOT LATE (haha felt like Mandy and Mao moment, WOAH).

Okay, so I got to the kitchen place where I guess the therapy was going to happen. It was a bunch of Chinese ladies from church, and my mom. That dumb lady therapist kept shaking my hand, touching my hands. I was just like "...". I hated it, it was so stupid. They kept talking as if I wasn't there. They were talking about God and how they should read my chat logs to see if I turned away from him and the church and how I needed to let go of this.

I guess I was kind of in shock and totally numb for the last few months, but then I started to get mad. They had no right to look in my chat logs (LMFAO WTF THEY ARE JUST CHAT LOGS!!) and they should just let me DEAL WITH IT myself. God worst therapists ever.

I turned to my mom and told her, "Mom, this is STUPID." I guess it shocked them, because I hadn't really spoken, much less with emotion, to anyone in a long time. I went on, telling her that I didn't want to come here anymore and that this therapist was stupid.

She told me, "Her methods are good. Shaking someone's hand can show a lot about the person. Just be patient."

Haha, so THAT'S why she was shaking my hand. Still, I was pissed, and I told her, "I DON'T CARE. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL? WHY ISN'T ANYONE ASKING MY OPINION."

She just turned to me and said, "No one cares about your opinion. It doesn't matter."

:S...They went grocery shopping. I guess I followed, but I left later. I feel so sad thinking about the walk home. The day was bright, but I just dragged my feet listlessly. Huh...