Prelude to a Dream

Dunno which number this is. It was...nice, I guess.

OMG DON'T JUDGE ME!!

I went to bed, thinking about old...people. Friends, I guess, that have gone or were lost or who picked up and left. Thinking about it now, I just realized that I don't have to be friends with everyone. I'm allowed to say no. Always allowed to say no. Who says I have to be gracious and lovely all the time?

I always tend to hold myself back and agree to everything because I am afraid of being judged. But in the end, the only one judging is myself.

"A girl who is dressed and groomed can forget about that part of her. That's charm. The more parts of yourself that you can forget, the more charm you have."

I want to try to be more like that, and let go of my own inhibitions on myself. I want to try to stop doing the noble, correct thing, and do what I want, even if it's just once in a while.

...Okay I'm not talking about my dream.

==;;...That'll come, I'll try to remember it. IT WAS A GOOD ONE.

But yah, there's my revelation. I guilt myself into doing the right thing all the time. I'm not being nice, I'm just lying to both of us...

A friend once told me to just stop lying. "Stop pretending to be nice. Just say how you feel." I'm trying man, but it's hard. LOL ESPECIALLY FOR ME GAHHHH WHYYYY.

It means nothing if you are just a nice person who cannot seem to do wrong because you cannot afford the guilt of someone else's hurt. That's just selfishness manifesting into self-appreciation.

It's the same way I think of honesty. There is no merit in not being able to lie - we don't celebrate a rabbit for not being a murderer. It is just the way the rabbit is. If you can't lie, that's just the way you are. I don't call that honesty. I think honesty is having a choice between a lie and a truth, and choosing to tell the truth.

So I guess if you can't be mean, it doesn't automatically mean you are nice.

...OKAY, I think we've come to an end. I don't want to forget my dream.

1) Be nice, LOL.
2) Don't judge yourself.
3) Smile, you're beautiful!
4) I take back what I said before. We are not friends, and if I ever see you again, I will smile at you with my best smile, but that's it. I want to fill my life with bright shining people, and it's going well. Met you for a reason, but you will always be the one I can't give up. Even after all these years, when I think of you, I have to lie to myself to stay level headed. Yah, yah, I am probably the only one still thinking about it, but I'm slow in my revelations.

:) The end, it's closed for good. Final-freaking-ly.

DREAM TIME.

:)